In relation to the diagnosis of ‘depression’ and the feeling of being ‘depressed’ … I’m uncertain how much of what I’m experiencing are normal feelings and how much is due to a chemical imbalance in the brain? How much of how I’m feeling and experiencing is influenced by past trauma and bad experiences. Circumstance and environment? Belief and perception?While having a diagnosis of depression, anxiety disorder, PTSD and other conditions of mind can help make sense of things and provide a guide for treatment and medication (if necessary). Giving it significance beyond that can further darken our world. It can lead to the perception that, ‘something is wrong with us’. A perception by ourselves and others that we’re weak or flawed. And it can be the entry point into the isolation of social stigma and shame associated with ‘mental illness’.
It has been helpful to separate myself from the diagnosis. To work out not, ‘what is wrong with me’, but ‘what’s not right’?
What remains are giant and often unmanageable feelings. A cocktail of emotion. Anger and rage in the mix with sadness, hopelessness and despair. Fear. Panic without a cause. Sensitivity or intolerance to light, noise, stress – people. The world around me. Places I can no longer go. Unrelenting critical head talk. Crippling self doubt. Dominant dark thoughts. Sometimes unbearably intense – other times, blunted. A feeling of nothing.
“If you’re depressed or anxious, you’re not weak and you’re not crazy — you’re a human being with unmet needs,” Hari says. Johann Hari’s book, ‘Lost Connections’ and resource website. See Black Dog’s Links page for support contacts.
IMPORTANT: If you’re on medication, do not stop without discussing with a health professional.
There is a book that poses the question … if you could write a letter to your 16 year old self, what would you say? Having experienced bullying, abuse and traumatic life experiences that left me feeling life was too unbearable to continue on, that letter might read something like this …..
You’ll get through this. You’ll survive way beyond things you believed you couldn’t. And there will be many more times when you can’t bear the thought of living another day. Another moment.
But know that it is but a moment. A moment in which you have only this desperate thought and sense of hopelessness. Moments come – and moments pass. Tomorrow may not feel a whole lot better but it can be a starting point – not the end. ‘You Can Do Anything’ video. ‘Tread Carefully In Mind’.
You’ll need to take some seemingly impossible steps. Every day. Day in. Day out. And you’ll need to keep working towards change and creating a place, a life, you feel more comfortable and less despairing in. Find something that provides a sense of purpose and meaning. And you don’t necessarily have to know exactly where or what that will be. You just need to maintain the drive and determination to find it. Trusting – despite being hurt by trusting before.
And you’ll have some massive spills along the way that will lay you flat for varying lengths of time – but you’ll get up. Eventually. Every time. You’ll get up. You must. And you’ll go another round so you can at the very least, prove to yourself you can. Your weakest point will be to rely on someone else to do this work for you…
Black Dog came to life in 2006 from the simple idea of freely sharing art, stories, poetry and music as a source of strength and hope in the community – and to support Difference. (Poem: The Black Dog Story)
It has grown to create an ever-growing number of characters known as The Army of Ink and beyond the website to use print and street art as additional places for sharing.
Black Dog relies on word of mouth promotion from supporters to help it grow and reach others. If you’re able to help in any way, it is greatly appreciated.
The motivation for creating Black Dog came from both personal experience, and from working as a volunteer with Youth Focus who support young people at risk. (Poem: Once Upon A Dark Time)
One of the hardest things for young people to do was talk, put words to feelings and what was happening in their lives. Art, image, writing, poetry and music provided a means of communication. A way of expressing and exploring who they are – who they wanted to become.
So the idea evolved to provide an ever-growing pool of all these things – an place everyone was welcome to call into, be part of. Those struggling. Those close wanting to understand better what that struggle’s like. And those who share an interest in the social, cultural and personal issues that affect us all – particularly our next generation.
In 2006 Black Dog came to life as an on-line space, later redesigned through the kind, gifted time from a group of Melbourne creatives, Mike, Che and Kareen. And Harley Manifold created the Black Dog for the project.
Black Dog has since grown to include an ever growing ‘Army‘ of characters along with books and card series for both personal use (adults also) and by counsellors working with children and young people. Along with a sponsorship option which enables the books to be given (through community workers) to the young people to keep. (Related story ‘Once Upon A Dark Time’).
In 2019 the books and card series were brought together in printed form through the book, Clunk & Jam. Cover art kindly by Stormie Mills.
Clunk & Jam book. (All content within the book is freely available in the Black Dog Blog here). Book available here.
Thank you … Harley Manifold for creating the Project’s Black Dog; contributing art throughout the Blog and Clunk & Jam book; and designing ‘In My Room’. Thanks also to Stormie Mills for home page art; contributions throughout the Blog; cover art of Clunk & Jam and support. Also to Michael Cairns, Che Douglas and Kareen (Melbourne) for so generously recreating the website in 2008 and Mike for the many years of tech support. Maggie-May for her involvement in the Project and doing the handwriting for ‘Rock The Boat’ book. And the sponsors for generously enabling the books to be gifted to kids throughout the community.
“The secret to change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.”
